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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27661843">As Sweet As Pain</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actual_Revna/pseuds/Actual_Revna'>Actual_Revna</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, Norse Religion &amp; Lore, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canonical Character Death, Empathy, F/M, Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Soul Bond, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Telepathic Bond, tasertricks - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:11:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,105</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27661843</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actual_Revna/pseuds/Actual_Revna</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy Lewis did not believe in fate. Because fate did not believe in her. She had no soul mark and she was fine by that. But one day, she woke to find something that was not there before. And she was not sure if she wanted it, because along with it, came so much pain and confusion.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Darcy Lewis/Loki, Jane Foster &amp; Darcy Lewis, Jane Foster/Thor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>216</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Darcy always knew that something was wrong. The fault did not lie with her, necessarily, but there was something wrong. It was a two way thing, after all. But that feeling did not last. It took a lot of time for acceptance to enter the myriad of feelings one deals with when facing something like that. When trying to convince yourself that none of this had anything to do with you. That there was nothing to be done.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Acceptance came a long way down the road. After denial - no, it’s just that she’s too young, It’ll come eventually. And bargaining - so what of it was late because she was the older one and they’re not ready yet?.  Along the way, there was rage, and spite, and recklessness. Because it’s not easy to watch those around you have this collective experience, and you’re left out. And then they pity you, so they don’t talk to you about it for fear of hurting you. But they have to talk to someone, so bit by bit, you watch as your friends grow more distant with you over time, but grow closer with others. Others who proudly display what you lack.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She did not believe in fate. Because fate did not believe in her. Fate did not see it fit to give her a soul mark. Even the name was stupid. Soul mark. It’s not a mark. It’s a link. And it’s been recorded ever since humans knew how to etch onto stone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When you’re old enough to grow into who you are as a person, you’re soulbound. The universe tells you that there is someone out there for you. You don’t necessarily fit together perfectly, but you complement each other. But not her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As soon as she realized that there was only her left in her class, she thought that something was wrong with her. Her parents noticed, and tried to convince her otherwise. They loved her dearly, but it got to a point that their pity was worse than the actual cause of it. They stopped soon, when they realized that it hurt her more. But later, when rage had gone away like a stubborn flame that took too long to die out that you stopped trying to anyway, it turned into recklessness. Nothing was out there for her. Nothing was waiting for her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She started purposely doing things that she wouldn’t normally do. Challenging herself. Going against her own instincts. But soon enough, she would get bored. And no one wanted that. So, she threw herself into her studies, graduating with a double major and a unique internship experience.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nothing prepared her for the eccentric haggard lady scientist and her fatherly colleague, or having to haul her life around like no roots mattered. But it was less and less of a distraction as time passed. It was her life. She was passionate about what she was doing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She became friends with her employer. Maybe it was because they only knew each other where their work currently took them, but they appreciated each other’s company. And they cared for each other and along the way, they became more sisters and less employer and employee. They talked and ranted and vented together, each knew what the other hated and what the other liked. But there was one topic they never breached. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Darcy was glad they never did, but she was curious. Why had she never brought up the soul bond? She must have one. She was older than Darcy, but she never saw her with anyone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They were drunk one night, and Darcy was in the process of trying to fit herself into the small triangle that was not currently occupied by Jane on the blanket they had on the floor in the middle of the room. “I’ve never seen you with anyone more than once.'' Jane said out of nowhere.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about. I see the pizza delivery guy everyday.” she said with a small snort.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jane kicked her lightly with her foot - the one in the fluffy yellow sock, not the fluffy black sock - “you know what I mean.” she said while somehow wiggling her toes and fingers at Darcy suggestively.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I don't.” Darcy said, and she wanted to end the conversation there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it because you have no mark?” she said sleepily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Darcy did not reply. She looked at her silently. She did not ask her how she knew. Jane was smart, and Darcy respects that. It’s just that no one bothered before. Everyone noticed of course, but no one asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t have one either.” Jane said soberly, “I thought you should know. Now that I know.” she said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was not that different than before, but every once in a while, one of them would feel down. And the other would take care of her. Whether it was ice cream and blankets or a loud night out. And it would pass. There were others like her. Every rule had an exception after all. But it really was unheard of, so Darcy did not know what to make of that. That she should meet the only other person like her by chance like that. She was not even a scientist ! It was pure chance that she applied for that internship,and that she was accepted. It was a surprise to Jane as it was to Darcy. She really was a bad fit for the job that was required at the time. But maybe that was not what Jane and Darcy needed. They made it work, and it was not about the lab or anything like that.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>And then came Thor. She tased him, she got to know him, she liked him. She watched him get his mark. She watched Jane get her mark. They were ecstatic. They were perfect for each other. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And she was alone. Jane was the only one she knew who was like her, but turns out it was just because her mark was with someone who was not even from Earth. As soon as he fell from the sky, they were bound to each other. And Darcy was alone. She hated herself for feeling this. Jane ws her sister, and she had nothing to do with how it all played out in the end. But still, Darcy was human, after all. She did not like the idea of the universe telling her who she should be with, but she also did not like the idea of the universe not telling her anything at all.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span> Thor promised he would return to Jane, and no one doubted that he would.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he didn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And she had to be there for Jane.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took time, but she got over her feelings over it. Because Jane needed her. And she would not let the universe itself stand between her and the only other person she cared about other than her family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something was wrong. It’s been days, and no matter what she did, her headache just wouldn’t go away. Sometimes, she’d spend the night on the floor next to the toilet, after vomiting for the third time that night. Other times, she wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed. It got to the point where her whole body felt like it was on fire. Not high on fever, but on fire. Like flames were licking away at her body everywhere at once. And she’d be physically fine. Not running a fever. Not breaking a sweat. But on fire.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jane was at a loss of what to do. Doctors came and went and none of them knew any more than the ones before them. Darcy was physically fine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, if she was up to it and able to stand without toppling over, she'd sit outside in the sun, and she’d cry. It always felt strange when she did. She did not know why she was crying. The closest thing she came to describing it was that she misses the sun. But she really doesn’t. Sometimes she felt like they were not her tears. She did not know how to explain it, but those were not her tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Erik Selvig came once. He was sitting by her bed and he was telling her one of his stories. She normally enjoyed them, but she wasn't listening this time. She just let his voice wash over her. Perhaps she'd be able to sleep this time. Her leg was peeking from underneath the mountain of blankets she was currently buried under. Today was not a burning day. Today was one of those days she felt like she was freezing within. Like her blood was ice, trapped in her frozen veins.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was in the process of covering her leg absentmindedly as he spoke when he stopped in his tracks. She felt him standing there looking at her. “What?” she slurred.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Darcy, what is this?” he asked her with a tone of urgency to his voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is what?” she was too far gone to notice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This! What is this!” he said as he jabbed his finger at a point somewhere on the back of her calf. Right under the back of her knee. She knew the spot he was pointing at. It always bothered her when she was young and she took to covering it with longer skirts as she grew up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s just a birthmark, I normally cover it, don’t worry.” She was awake now, but still confused.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A birthmark?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. I know it’s too ugly for that, but I was born with it. And let me tell you, I am thankful it is not somewhere I see everyday.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s not a birthmark.” he said with conviction.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes it is. I was born with it. That’s what a birthmark is.” She said, and she did not know why her tone had a challenge in it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Has it always looked like this?” he asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She knew what it looked like. What it had always looked like. It was shaped like an outline of the letter ‘S’, with the beginning and the end of it having splotches that were always too hard to decipher. But Erik’s urgency made her look, and she knew already what she would see. Except, she didn’t. What was previously a rough outline of the letter ‘S’ was not two snakes. Meeting at the beginning and the end of it. Each end having one snake eating the tail of the other. There was no way she’d missed that much detail before. It was not there previously. And it scared her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is that?” she asked aloud.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s a rune.” he replied. “I am sure of it. I saw it before, but I can’t remember where.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It did not look like that, before. What is happening!” she asked, but apparently, that was too much for her head. It hurt too much all of a sudden and she held her head with both hands, and more of her ‘not my tears’ fell.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had pictures of it printed. She tried looking for it online, but she was not able to focus for long periods of time. The closest think she came to it was something called an Ouroboros. It was the same concept, but it was shaped like an O not an S, and one snake not two. She asked Erik more than once, and he always told her that he couldn’t find reference for it anywhere, but that he was sure he saw it before. He promised her that he was looking into it, but she did not think he would ever find anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The pain was easier to manage as time went by. And it was growing less and less. One day, she was tracing the photograph with a sharpie, and when she moved, she accidentally drew a line on her forearm with the sharpy she forgot to put the lid on. It was no big deal, really.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She went to the sink in the kitchen to try to remove it before it was fully set, but she knew it would not work. She was barely by the sink when she felt it hurt. Like someone was rubbing furiously at it. The skin around it reddened and she was transfixed. She stood there, watching it numbly, as more tears pooled at the corner of her eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took a second, but she quickly gathered herself and tried to remove it on her own. It was easier after she was done. The rubbing sensation stopped, but not the tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was how Jane often found her. Sitting silently, staring at nothing, with tears in her eyes. And not always her tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She only ever used pencils after that. She did not fully understand what was happening, but Erik had an idea. They were all in her room one night, when he asked her if she was soulbound. She did not answer him, but listened to the conversation when Jane did for her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not a birthmark. That’s your soulmark, Darcy.” he told her. And she did not know what to feel about that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No it’s not.” This was not how these things worked. She knew because when she was starting to realise that something was different, she researched the topic extensively. Every theory, every guess, every cooky spiritual guru. And none of them said anything about someone being born with a mark. Or a mark changing form over time. Or explain what was happening to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s different than what a mark normally is, but you saw how Jane and Thor were.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s because this was Thor’s first time on earth after Jane was born. I was born with it. It just looked different.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, maybe you are bound to someone like him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?” she asked dryly with a raised eyebrow.. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, different legends talk about the origins of the soulmark. And each culture has its own version of it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Let me guess, you’re gonna start talking about Norse Mythology now. Right?” she knew she was being unfair, but she was frustrated. “The last time worked out fine in the end, but it’s not the same now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And I’m telling you, I saw that rune before.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah.” she said dismissively.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Will you at least hear me out? Because believe it or not, those legends talk about what you’re going through now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She did not reply. She did not want to lose herself like that again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know how the tales of the origins of these marks usually talk about something more intense than just the link we feel today” he started. “There are legends of links that manifested themselves in the form of telepathy, or links that were prone to develop one’s empathic abilities towards the others.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yes, and the ever so romantic ones about the other’s first words to you being etched on your skin before you ever met them. Or the morbid ones of their last words, and you live to dread the time you hear them say your name or something as mundane as the ‘hey’ written on your arm. Yes. this is not that, though.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You mean to tell me that everything you’ve been feeling lately is coming from you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jane told me about the times you’d cry without really knowing why. And the time’s you’d find tears without realizing you’ve been crying in the first place.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“But.. that’s not.. You’re talking about empathy?” Now that she thought about it this way, it made more sense than anything else. “That’s not right. That would mean that they’re suffering. There’s so much pain there Erik.” she said as she covered her face with both her hands. For once they were her tears. Maybe frustration. Maybe anger. Maybe pity. But hers.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Among other things. And there’s something else.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, no.” she did not want to hear about it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Among those legends, is one where whatever you mark your skin with is shown on the other’s. It’s the most romanticized version of the myth. Letters going back and forth on your own skin.” he said as he was looking somewhere by her elbow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But that did not happen to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It is now.” he said as he pointed at her elbow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A line was drawn on there, and as she looked, more lines crossed it. It looked jagged and it hurt as it was drawn. Like someone was carving it on her arm, but not too deep. Just enough to make it show. More lines started to join it until it was complete. It was a long vertical line, intersecting the two x’s that were drawn along the line. The middle part looked like a tilted square.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stared at it in disbelief. She gathered herself quickly enough to reach for her phone and take a picture of it. She did not know what it was or how this was happening, but maybe Erik was right after all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked at him, and he was staring at it just like her. But he was worried. He kept looking back and forth between her and the mark.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Darcy.” he only said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” she asked. “Tell me you know what this is. Tell me you saw it in one of those books you read on Thor or something.” her voice was a pitch or two higher than normal.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I-- it’s a bindrune. For protection.” he said while looking at the mark.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And believe it or not, something even more strange happened. It started to itch and hurt her, and as they both looked at it, it continued to do so, until it slowly faded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Every couple of weeks, Darcy would find the mark. It was always followed by the worst nights. Headaches and vomiting and tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And nightmares. Terrible terrible nightmares that she would not remember when she woke up. But the feeling would not leave her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The mark seemed important. She did not know why she did it. And she did not know why no one stopped her. But when she had a slow day, she visited a tattoo parlor not too far from the lab, and asked for a tattoo of the bindrune. It did not hurt that it was just a bunch of straight lines. No shape to fill and no curve that could be messed up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What does it mean for you?” the guy in the chair asked her as he was working.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re asking now? Shouldn’t you do that before starting?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, there’s nothing wrong with wanting extra protection. It’s just curious, that’s all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instead of finding the drawing to warn her before a bad night, a circle would outline it, now that it was tattooed. Like trying to emphasize it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tried writing back. It never worked out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whenever she would write anything, her skin would hurt and itch like someone was rubbing furiously at it, until the writing would fade away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I’m Darcy</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Who are you</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Are you okay?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A while later, the bad nights got worse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d wake with new marks. Horrible marks. One time, she woke to find her eyes surrounded by blotchy red skin, like it was boiled. But it would not hurt, it would just look like it was. But her face would be just fine to touch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another time, a collection of dots were around her mouth. A line of four above her upper lip, and a line of four under her lower one. Those were really hard to look at. Because the implications were horrible. And her lips would be strained and she wouldn’t be able to eat or talk on those days. Phantom pain would flare whenever she tried.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One time in particular, she found an angry red line around her wrists. It was as ugly as all the others, but it made her realise something. These things always happened after she tried to write on her arm. Did this have something to do with that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She took to writing in smaller handwriting, and in shorter sentences. Maybe these things would not happen if her writings were not so obvious.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was so fed up once, she became angry. Why did this happen to her? Why was she forced to endure this? Who did they think they were, doing this to her without even saying who they were or what they wanted.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>‘This is the last time I write’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She waited for a few moments and then removed the writing with a cotton pad with nail polish remover. It was the only thing she could find after her impulsive decision.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I don’t know what is happening, but i won’t write again’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Again, she waited. But this time, the words were underlined as soon as she wrote them. So someone was reading them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She removed them when she was sure they were done.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I don’t know who you are’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She waited as they were underlined before she removed them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I’m here.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She did not remove it this time. She watched as they were rubbed away. And in their place, the same rune she had tattooed on the other arm ws etched. More jagged, but the same rune.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Weeks later, something was happening. The bindrune was drawn repeatedly on both her arms when she took off her jacket as she returned home. As she looked at her arm, others were joining the ones present. They were being drawn in a frantic way.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She started to write ‘what is h’ before the writings were scrubbed away too quickly. Too harshly. They did not want her to write. But they wanted to protect her. What was happening? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then, for the first time, words started to appear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They said they’d find you. Hide.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She did not know who or what they were, but when Jane told her that they may be moving to Oslo soon, Darcy jumped on the opportunity. She did not know what she was supposed to be hiding from, but she figured it wouldn’t hurt to move all the way there. Before they departed, she had the rune tattooed on the other arm as well. She did not know why she did it, but she could tell it was appreciated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The writing stopped. Everything stopped, except the bad nights.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oslo was not so bad. But she was worried.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One time she saw words for the first time in a long while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Are you real’ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She underlined the words as they were written, because maybe they’d want to remove them as soon as they were written like before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Yes’ she wrote.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nothing was removed. More words were added beneath her reply, and it was starting to look like a conversation, finally.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Am I real.’ was written, slowly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Real enough for me’ she added.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Sorry’ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Why’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No reply. Just the rune. And soon enough, their words were gone. Hers remained, though, she debated with herself for a while, before grabbing the nail polish remover from the bathroom and wiping away her part of the conversation. The rune stayed though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A part of her dream lingered. Words, spoken in a foreboding voice. She was not sure if it was a threat or a promise, but the voice was chilling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You will long for something as sweet as pain”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Something shifted after she woke up that morning. Like a dam was broken. She could feel more of the link. She desperately wanted to write. To ask. To acknowledge.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Long for something as sweet as pain’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You don’t just brush over something like that. And she was involved in it, whether she understood what was happening or not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘They said they will find you. Hide.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How was she supposed to hide? And who was she supposed to be hiding from?It was a childish notice, to think that being in Oslo made it any safer for her. There was something all too powerful about the voice she heard. And the shard of ice that pierced her heart at the remembered threat had nothing to do with what the other person was feeling. No. This was something big.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was no stranger to anxiety. It wasn’t worry for whoever the other person who shared her mark was that kept her up at night. It was them. Always anxious. Always worried. Perhaps it was the empathic aspect of the link, but there was more than just tears that were not hers now. Feelings seeped through and it drained her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The constant state of dread. Of fear. Of anxiety. And the worst part of it, was that she could feel something between resignation and acceptance. Like they felt that they deserved what was happening to them. That was the worse part of it. Because she did not want this invasive feeling of resignation. She did nothing wrong! Why was she forced to feel like she deserved all the pain and all the hurt she was suffering from!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She also felt like she was always hiding something. She was shifty for no reason, and always worried. Always feeling like she was purposely not thinking about something. Doing something and not doing it at the same time. Trying her hardest to ignore it while always thinking about it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then came a time when she would feel like there were too many voices in her head. She would be overwhelmed, like she was trying to control too many things at once. She did not know what it was, but she was always mentally exhausted and drained. And she would feel like there was more than one person. Dull echoes of their voices would join, like cogs in a machine. Just a broken machine that did not serve any purpose at the moment. And she felt like she wanted to keep it that way. Always worried that it might actually work, but doing her best to make it feel like she wanted the opposite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, she would find a circle around the bindrune tattoo. She would know not to write when it was there. But other times, she would find small things.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Safe?’ Was the most common one.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she tried to give any details about her whereabouts, they would not be underlined. Instead, they would be scrubbed furiously before she even wrote the first word. They did not want her to tell them where she was. Or anything that could let them know anything about her. Given the warning she received and the nature of the rune, she knew it was for her own protection, but it still frustrated her to not know anything else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So she did not write anything substantial back. Sh’d just underline the word and it would be removed as soon as she did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes, she would feel nothing at all. Not because of an absence of feelings from the link, quite the opposite. It would feel like an abyss. Nothing would be there. Just vast emptiness that threatened to swallow her if she was not careful. She tried to be but it was overwhelming. But Jane was always there for her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Unlike what they expected, there was not a lot of work for them in Oslo. Jane was not happy with this development, and they both felt like there was something else going on. They tried to contact Agent Coulson more than once, but it never got through. Naturally, they were suspicious. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it gave Jane the chance to be there for Darcy and to make sure she was fine. Just like when Darcy would help Jane go on day after day after Thor’s absence, Jane was there for Darcy. To get her out of her own head whenever it threatened to take over her. And to be there when she cried herself to sleep. Sometimes there were good days, but they were not as frequent as the bad days. On those days, they would both venture outside for the day, and Darcy actually enjoyed those moments she shared with Jane.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it did not last. Jane was fine. The lab was fine. New york was not fine. An alien attack was all over the news, and she did not know what to feel or think as they both saw Thor flying around in shaky cam footage. He was unmistakable, but Jane just shook her head in disbelief at the TV.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was over as soon as it began, but they were both so tense after sitting in front of any screen they could find and watching it all day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Reports and interviews and news anchors and analysts were everywhere. Turns out that the small massacre in Stuttgart days before was related to that as well. And Darcy ws getting this terrible headache. She tried everything, but it wouldn’t go away. She tried medicine and meditation and sleep, nothing worked. Just a constant headache.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The day started out fine before new york happened. And then something flared. Just white hot pain in her head that lasted for a few moments, and then clarity. Nothing invasive, on the contrary, she felt like she could breathe or the first time in a long time. She felt like herself again. She felt free. She felt strange. She was in the common area with Jane when it happened. She read some recommendations that she should distract herself by doing something boring and repetitive. She bought one of those paint by numbers things from the airport when they arrived so that she could try it. It worked for a bit, so she was currently holding a bright green marker. So when it happened she tried to hold her head and forgot she was holding the marker. She didn’t realise she was making any noise before Jane came and hugged her as they both rocked back and forth. As the pain faded away, she heard herself keening when Jane’s shushing subsided.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jane was trying to comfort her, and she took the marker from her hand and continued hugging her until it was over. Her tears this time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nothing on the other end. No pain. No anger. Just a slight feeling of dread.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She went to the bathroom to wash her face, and found a bright green stain from the marker on the side of her neck. Just below the ear. She did not get to wash it or think about the implications before Jane called her from the other room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘It’s over! They say it’s over!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hurried back to Jane, and they watched the reports together. New York was fine. It would heal. None of the huge flying things were there anymore. Just rubble and destruction. It would take time. She couldn’t imagine being there. So many died, so many lives destroyed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Apparently Thor was back for this. He was part of something called The Avengers, and it included familiar and unfamiliar faces. Namely Iron Man and what was believed to be Captain America himself. And Dr. Bruce Banner, whoever that was. Jane recognized him, but Darcy couldn’t care less, honestly. The others were unknown to the public.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The internet was flooded with leaked footage. Captain America trying to guide the panicking masses out of danger’s way. Iron Man falling from the sky and plummeting to the ground. A great green creature scaling a tall building and grabbing the flying things from the air.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And footage of when it was all over. The raggedy team limping away, all barely able to walk, and dragging a dark figure behind them. They were all bruised and battered, and in some cases broken, including the one they were currently surrounding. It was clear they were not doing this to protect him, but to make sure he did not escape.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The footage was of very low quality, and she could not make out any details. She thought she caught something peeking from underneath the figure’s dark hair, but she may be mistaken. It was too out of place. A bright green stain just below their ear. She thought nothing of it as she clicked ‘next’ to see what other videos were there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Days passed, and she never felt this clear headed. It was amazing. She wanted to celebrate, but it felt insensitive. Jane was still worried and angry. And she spent the first couple of days getting into contact with everyone back home, making sure they were all safe. It was an Alien attack, after all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Granted, not the first thing of the sort for the both of them, but this was on a whole other scale.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Things were starting to be published. The alien attack was - and she really did not know why she was surprised there- orchestrated and carried out by none other than Thor’s -apparently adopted- brother, Loki.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hated him. She couldn’t forget what happened in Puente Antiguo. Not just what happened to her and Jane. but the destruction and havoc that followed. And the Destroyer. And Thor leaving them for Loki.And the obvious threat that was there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She did not know where he’d been all that time, but she was under the impression that Thor had returned to wherever they were from to deal with him. And now here Thor was. And here Loki was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Safe?’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She underlined it. Unsure if it was safe to write back or not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was not removed. So perhaps something changed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Still real?’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Yes’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was underlined and the rune was drawn underneath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Another day, another leaked video. This time from a rooftop, and shared live on some guy’s youtube channel. The caption stated that the Asgardians were leaving. It showed the avengers walking to a small clearing, following Thor,who  looked as godly as the first time she saw him wielding his hammer, and Loki. And she could see him looking at the others with disdain, despite the strange looking gag. But something was wrong.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because for some reason, as she watched the procession, she felt that disdain. Towards Thor. Towards the gathered Avengers and officials. Towards everything. So much unexplained anger and hatred. Coming from within.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then she saw it. On his arm. Peeking from underneath his torn sleeves, as he still wore the same leather armor thing he was wearing during the attack.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bindrune. On the exact same spot as her second tattoo. They were almost to their destination, and she did not want them to leave before she was sure. She desperately hoped it was not really the case. Just an unfortunate coincidence.  She took the closest thing she could find, an eyeliner pen this time, and circled it frantically, with her eyes still glued to her phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her stomach dropped as she saw the circle drawn in front of her around the mark on his own arm at the same time. His hands were bound in front of him as they walked, but they were almost there, and the shackles were removed so that he could hold on to the device in Thor’s hand. As soon as they were unbound, she saw him cover it with his other hand, and despite the current circumstances, relief was clear on his face. And through the damned link. Warring with her own feelings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She thought the universe was cruel at first. That it was unfair. Little did she know, it was just the start. Fate was toying with her. It had to be some sort of cruel joke. A joke she did not appreciate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She scoured every social media platform, before she found what she was looking for. Footage of the night of the battle, of the avengers and Loki. She remembered seeing something peeking from underneath his hair. Now that she knew who he was, she recognized what she was looking for. A bright green stain, matching the one she had that night when she held her head in both her hands while still holding the marker. She thought nothing of it the first time she saw it. But now it was obvious.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was Loki.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Again came denial. She denied it to herself so vehemently, she almost believed it. And when time passed, came the ignoring. She ignored everything that was written. Despite what she may have thought of the sentiment of ‘safe?’ before, she now ignored it altogether. She never looked, and when she’d glance something from the corner of her eyes, she’d remove it before it was even fully written down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They returned home soon after the whole thing was over. Turns out it was a cover. A faceless nameless agent was waiting for them upon their return, telling them about the unfortunate demise of Agent Coulson and that he was the one who orchestrated their protection, as a favor for Thor. Every part of the man’s message angered her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Coulson was dead. They were tricked. They knew of the attack and the threat of it and only sent them away to safety because of Thor. Thor was back to his magic land, without even trying to contact them. But mainly, Agent Coulson was dead. Killed personally by Loki. the first among a long list of casualties that resulted from Loki’s actions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was fitting that when she returned, she visited the same tattoo parlor. Like the snake on the mark eating the tail of the other snake eating its own tail, she asked them to remove the tattoos.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And no matter what, she was not prepared for the anguish that seeped through the bond with each pulse while removing it. Anguish, loss, anger, desperation, like a trapped vicious animal. And a single ‘please’ written on her arm. And tears. Not hers. And all of this warred with her own anger. She removed it quickly before anyone could see it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask what happened?” The man asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Turns out there was no protection where I was looking.” she replied with a raspy voice as he gave her a tissue when he saw her tears. “I was misguided. That’s all”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, at least you tried.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She will not let this define her. She was a Lewis, dammit. Her mama did not raise her to be like that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She compartmentalized. If there was nothing to do about the link, then she better learn how to just live with it and not let it affect her. She did not care about the feelings that came from the other side, he could die for all she cared. But she had to understand where the line was. Where her feelings ended and his started.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took time, but she was almost there. Her sadness was different from his. Hers was soft and quiet, and not as present as his. While everything he felt was amplified, absolute and sharp. Broken. She was fascinated by that. She knew it was watered down as it reached her, but it was immense. Everything was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Safe?’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She never wrote back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Safe?’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Never undelined anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Please’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes she wouldn’t even remove the writings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Don’t’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ignore it altogether.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Please’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she couldn’t help herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I understand’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d look for new words every once in a while.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-a drawing of the bindrune-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I am trying to spare you’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh, how she wished this had never happened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘They will still be after you’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was with Jane, and they were discussing plans about their trip to London. Jane wanted to go, and Darcy did not see a reason why she shouldn’t go with her. Jane’s back was to her as she felt itching on her arm. She folded her sleeve to peek at it as the words were written.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I figured it out’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘For you’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I will be here’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-a drawing of the rune-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then nothing. Not the void she experiences, but actually nothing. No feelings seeped through the link. The dread she constantly felt for so long she was starting to believe it was hers was suddenly gone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The link was not there anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jane found what she was looking for and took it back to the counter where Darcy was sitting, and she noticed that she was crying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Not your tears, again?” she said sympathetically. She did not know that it was Loki. No one did. How would she even tell them?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. They’re mine.” Darcy laughed through the tears. Her voice was hysterical. “They’re all mine.” and she let herself cry over Jane’s shoulder. Cry for everything that happened. And it was no surprise that she felt a part of herself crying for him. As brief as it was, there was so much pain there.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Feedback is appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She never thought that there would come a time when she would want things to make sense. Now that it was over, and she knew what was happening. What it wall meant. Call it looking for closure, call it morbid curiosity, she wanted to understand. The Search Engine Gods finally had pity on her. Link after link and article after article, and now she was so deep into an obscure forum, she did not remember how it all started. It was an avalanche.</p><p> </p><p>The Trickster God. The God of Lies. Loki Liesmith. The God of fire. The God of Mischief and Chaos. And what a chaos that was. Such a mess.</p><p> </p><p>What she thought was her birthmark was actually his rune. Gone was all the romantic flare of the notion. She was branded, like cattle. Not something representing both parts of the mark, just his mark on her. Branded for all to see. Loki’s. She hated it, but there was nothing she could do about it. Not after all those years. The funny thing was that this particular rune’s meaning was so opposite to what she expected. The rune for illumination, knowledge and kinship. She actually laughed out loud alone in the middle of the night when she stumbled upon that piece of information. Jane was finally asleep after days of obsessive preparation for their upcoming trip, she did not worry about waking her up.</p><p> </p><p>And the marks she often woke to find on her own body. Even though it was so long ago - not really but she wanted to act like it was ancient history to her, the only way to get over it- but the marks were starting to make sense too. One of the morbid blogs she stumbled upon in her sleepless nights was a collection of tales, each one accompanied by small illustrations. And those illustrations would fuel her nightmares to come.</p><p> </p><p>A picture of a man, bound on his back on a huge rock, arms splayed to his sides, looking in horror above him. And a woman with a small bowl in her hands in the background. And above him, trailing from a tree branch, was a snake. It looked horrifying, and from its sharp fangs, poison was dripping. Falling directly in the man’s eyes while he screamed in terror and pain. She did not know why, but she read the whole thing. It was punishment. He orchestrated the death of a fair god, and hid away until the others found him. They have had enough of his plots and mischief, so when they found him, they brought two of his offsprings to him, and turned one of them into a wolf. And he was forced to watch as the one they turned into a wolf killed the other one. They used the dead one’s entrails and fashioned them into the chains that bound Loki to the rock.</p><p> </p><p>They left him to his pain, alone. But he had a wife. Sygin. She was faithful to him and stayed with him. She only had the small bowl to help him with. So for the duration of the punishment, she stood by his side, catching the falling pison in the bowl. But every so often, the bowl would be full and she’d have to leave him to dispose of its contents. That was the picture she now saw. Of the beautiful man, screaming in horror at the poison falling so close to his eyes, and the beautiful woman, crying as she was emptying the bowl. The myth said that his screams were so powerful, Midgard would shake and tremble from it. Earthquakes.</p><p> </p><p>And she remembered. The day she woke with the skin around her eyes looking horrifying. Red and boiled and ugly. But the tale was just a myth. A thing of legend that if it had happened, it would have happened eons ago. Not months ago. So, why did it happen?</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>Another horrible story popped up with another horrible illustration. Of a wager the gods lost to the dwarves, and Loki was supposed to pay the price. But he was the god of lies. A wordsmith in every way, he talked his way out of paying the price. The dwarves were angry, but there was nothing they could do. They were tricked by the gods. It did not matter to them which god it was. </p><p> </p><p>The gods were embarrassed. Not only did they lose, but they were made out to be the tricksters in the story. Loki’s words were the reason for the situations, so Loki’s words were to be taken from him.</p><p> </p><p>The illustration was of an angry bound man, looking defiantly at the assembled gods on thrones, surrounding him and the other large man holding him down. And a string of gold in the other’s hands, used to sew his mouth shut. Four angry dots in a line above his upper lips, and four angry dots in a line below his lower one. His mouth was sewn shut. And the man holding him down and sewing his mouth shut was none other than Thor himself.</p><p> </p><p>And she remembered the day when her lips hurt when she talked or ate or did anything. And the four dots. Again came the same thought. If what she was feeling from the link happened at the same time to her as it did to him - like the writings- , then it was not the original sewing she was feeling. There had to be an explanation. There had to be a reason she experienced most of the things she read about.</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>‘you think you know pain? '</p><p>'Long for something as sweet as pain.’</p><p> </p><p>For some reason, the threat was at the forefront of her mind, always. Dead or not, he was suffering. What she felt was not the feelings you get when you’re planning to attack and take over another planet. Not the feelings and thoughts of the mastermind she read so much about. No. something was missing.</p><p> </p><p>She tried to remember when the first time she was aware of the link was. And everything she remembered was decidedly recent compared to the articles she found. Because the legends were as old as the gods themselves. But what she can surmise was that it began all after New Mexico. After the destroyer. After Jane and Thor. So what happened to him after that? She only knew that Thor said he’d return after he made sure Loki was dealt with and peace was secured. And as she thought of Thor, she did not think of the man she met, with the easy smile and the loud laugh. She thought of the angry man, sewing his brother’s lips shut as the gods watched. She thought of the gods who trapped Loki and forced him to watch his son being killed in front of him before dripping poison in his eyes for eternity.</p><p> </p><p>She was starting to understand the hatred she felt towards Thor when she watched the live footage of them departing for Asgard. </p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>All of that did not change the fact that he was dead. It wasn’t that she wanted to go looking for him. She wanted to understand her own experience. To put context to it. Because it was a big part of her life for the duration it was there.</p><p> </p><p>But one thing in particular nagged at her.</p><p> </p><p>‘I figured it out’</p><p>‘For you’</p><p> </p><p>She did not ask for that, she did not ask for anything! Why was she to blame for his own decisions! He did it. How dare he say it was for her!</p><p> </p><p>It’s not a magic switch that you flip and then you get over it. No. it would take time and effort. And like she has established before, she was not a quitter. She dealt with it while it was there, she could deal with the knowledge she gained after it was gone. It wouldn’t help to think about what he may have gone through before or during the time she shared the link with him.</p><p> </p><p>He was gone. It shouldn’t matter that she now understood a part of what he had been through.</p><p> </p><p>He was gone.</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>London was a nice change. And it did not hurt that she had an intern. The intern’s intern was hopeless, but she did not mind. And it did not hurt that Jane was not alone as well. They were both trying to get over what happened. Jane still did not know what happened with Darcy or who it was. No one did.</p><p> </p><p>She crashed Jane’s date, thinking nothing of it. She was excited to tell her about all the changes that were suddenly happening.</p><p> </p><p>It was London, she thought nothing of the rain and the thunder as the three of them - her, Jane and the intern - were walking around in that abandoned building, trying to find the source of the anomaly.</p><p> </p><p>And then something weird happened, and she felt herself going crazy with worry. It did not last long, and finally Jane was there. She couldn’t tell them where she was, but she could feel that something happened to her.</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>Thor.</p><p> </p><p>And inexplicable feelings came to the forefront as she saw him. Because she knew more about him. She knew he was more than the big man who gave lovely bear hugs and called her sister and gave warm smiles. She tried to dispel those thoughts from her mind. Now was not the time. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>After his brief reunion with Jane, it was now Darcy’s turn. They greeted each other as awkwardly as ever. But she can’t say she did not appreciate the hug. But there was something about the way he looked at her.</p><p> </p><p>He stopped in his tracks, lost in thought, looking in her direction. She felt like he was seeing right through her. Jane tried calling his name, but he just stood there, looking at Darcy. And Darcy felt like a deer trapped in headlights. She did not know where to look. She did not know what he saw. She did not want to acknowledge anything aloud. She has gone so far without even saying his name.</p><p> </p><p>Ther took a few steps, and stopped right in front of her. He looked at her with something akin to pity. He took her in his arms tenderly and gave her a very needed hug. A hug she did not know where it came from. A silent tear fell, hidden in his embrace.</p><p> </p><p>“What brought this on, big guy?” she tried to joke through her broken voice.</p><p> </p><p>He let go of her, looking her in the eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“I feel your loss.” he said solemnly with a small bow of the head. And she felt the gravity in his sentiment.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you talking about?” she did not want him to tell her.</p><p> </p><p>“It was not there the last time I saw you. But now I see it, your mark is broken.” He said, and she was surprised at his tenderness. But he said nothing of his dead brother. Did he not realize? This could be her chance! She could ask him about everything and he would not know!</p><p> </p><p>But suddenly, something else happened. Jane. something was wrong with her. Something cosmic. Thor seemed worried, and it was something Darcy never saw before. Jane was freaking out herself, and it all happened so quickly.</p><p> </p><p>And then they were gone.</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>She was left alone, with Ian the intern. Well, she may find use for him.</p><p> </p><p>She decided to go to the only other person she knew there who might have an idea of what was going on. Or who can guess at the very least.</p><p> </p><p>Erik Selvig was institutionalised. She felt guilty for never reaching out to him, but she had a hell of a couple of years too. She knew he’d understand. If he can think clearly, that is. That’s where the intern’s role came in. He helped her check Erik out and they took him to their flat.</p><p> </p><p>When his head was clear, they would actually talk. He remembered her just fine, but he acted like he did not remember the invasion, or what happened to him during that time. They were having a good day, and she decided to ask him.</p><p> </p><p>“They say you were the reason they were able to deactivate Loki’s device.”</p><p> </p><p>He flinched at the name, and she can’t blame him. It was the first time she said his name out loud.</p><p> </p><p>“I was too weak to go through with it. Too weak to break free.”</p><p> </p><p>“From what I understand, no one broke free.”</p><p> </p><p>“He did.”</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?” he did? He was the one in control. What did he mean by that?</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing. Sorry, I need to take my pills now.” He gave her a small broken smile and she did not want to push him.</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>“Can I ask you about him?” They were both watching the stars, each one wrapped in a blanket.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not sure I can answer anything about him.”</p><p> </p><p>“About you, then.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll try. For you I will. I’m sorry I never got to help you with the mark.”</p><p> </p><p>She decided against asking him anything that night. </p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve had a God in my head.” he said, out of nowhere.</p><p> </p><p>She wanted to reply with ‘me too’, but she could never bring herself to admit it out loud.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.” she patted his arm as she gave him a glass of orange juice. He was on enough medications to actually drink something of the other variety.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I have to, don’t I?” he smiled. “I know you’d understand.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why are you saying that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Because I felt things that were not mine too. My heas was filled with thoughts that were not mine.”</p><p> </p><p>“He was in control, right? Made you all do his work while he planned everything?”</p><p> </p><p>“He was a lousy planner. He couldn’t have failed like that even if was trying to. It all fell apart too easily.” He shook his head, and she was not sure if it was sorrow or pity.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?” It sounded too familiar to her. She did not know why, but for some reason, she understood what he meant perfectly. Because she felt the same. He did not want it to work. Desperate for it to fail, for some reason.</p><p> </p><p>“He was not in control.” He said, finally. Like he was only just now realizing this. “There was something else, Darcy. And no one would believe me, but I need you to believe me! I felt him, Darcy. I felt his pain.” He was getting worked up.</p><p> </p><p>She was lost in thought.she remembered something.</p><p> </p><p>“Long for something as Swee--” she whispered to herself.</p><p> </p><p>“As sweet as pain.” he interrupted.</p><p> </p><p>More silent tears. There have been a lot of them, lately.</p><p> </p><p>“As sweet as pain.” she finished.</p><p> </p><p>“Darcy?” he asked soberly.</p><p> </p><p>“It was him” she wouldn’t lie to him. “The link.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, Darcy.” he hugged her. The only person to know other than her, the only person she told.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, he let go of her and stood straight. “Where is he? Darcy, this is dangerous! The things he did. The things he can do. We have to find help. We have to protect you.” He was pacing around her, talking animatedly.</p><p> </p><p>“No need, Erik. He’s gone” she hugged herself tighter as she spoke, feeling as small as ever.</p><p> </p><p>He stopped in his tracks and turned around to look at her. “Gone?” he asked. “No. No. he can’t be gone. He can’t just be gone.” he looked around like he expected to find him in the room with them.</p><p> </p><p>She said nothing.</p><p> </p><p>“That must have been horrible for you.” he finally said as his eyes settled on her. And she could take pity from Erik. it was coming from experience, he was controlled by him.</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>“He tried to fail.” she told him one morning.</p><p> </p><p>“Who?”</p><p> </p><p>“Loki. I felt him. His emotions at least. He was always scared. Always hiding something. He was not in control.”</p><p> </p><p>“He failed on purpose?”</p><p> </p><p>“I think so, yes.” she said. “You said something about him breaking someone’s control?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, if you felt his emotions, we felt him. His frustration. His thoughts.”</p><p> </p><p>“There was someone else, wasn’t there?”</p><p> </p><p>“I wondered, at first. But then I was swallowed by the control. But yeah, now that my head is clear, I remember thinking that.”</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>Was he being controlled at the time? Was the invasion not his idea? Not his scheme? Not his doing?</p><p> </p><p>And the remembered threat. Erik heard it too.</p><p> </p><p>She knew it didn't matter, he was gone either way, but she followed every thread she could find.</p><p>For closure.</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t long after Jane and Thor were gone. She was still in bed and the day has not started yet. </p><p> </p><p>Sorrow.</p><p> </p><p>Rage.</p><p> </p><p>Anger.</p><p> </p><p>Bitterness.</p><p> </p><p>Regret.</p><p> </p><p>All together. All at once. All not hers.</p><p> </p><p>She came back to herself as Erik tried to wake her and she was screaming at the top of her lungs.</p><p> </p><p>She felt a loss so keenly, she did not know how she was ever going to live without it.</p><p> </p><p>Flashes of long golden braided hair. Of a beautiful garden and a golden apple. Of stories and hugs. Of magic lessons and comforting hugs.</p><p> </p><p>‘Your father-’</p><p>‘Not my Father’</p><p>‘Then am I not your mother’</p><p>‘No.’</p><p> </p><p>‘Why must you do this’</p><p> </p><p>‘Frigga is the only reason you are alive. And you will never see her again.’ cold and gloating and cruel.</p><p> </p><p>Gone.</p><p> </p><p>She screamed and screamed. She did not know what was happening. Was he not dead? Did she want him to not be dead?</p><p> </p><p>“Darcy!” Erik’s voice reached her and she stopped screaming at last.</p><p> </p><p>And as she looked at him, It happened again. Nothing. Gone was the link. Gone were the feelings that were not hers. Gone was any indication that something happened. No trace of the linke again.</p><p> </p><p>And once again, like the last time, the tears were hers.</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>'Trust my rage.'</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Is it fine if I post here again? (A)<br/>I know It's been a while, but I love this little piece so much, I didn't want to rush it.<br/>Thank you you for still being here :)<br/>Bring tissues, probably.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nothing could have ever prepared her for the grief that lingered. The loss that never seemed to fade. The rage that grew and grew as time passed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Trust my rage.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Apparently, he was not dead. She suspected it. He told her so himself, but she did not give it much thought at the time. He told her that he was doing this for her. That he found a way. And that he will be there. She thought he meant something else, but apparently it was not what happened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Trust my rage.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Frigga was dead. It all came to her in flashes that never lasted, but she gathered enough to know without grasping anything. Frigga died. And Loki was angry. Furious. Lost. determined. It was a dangerous prospect.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Darcy herself was lost in her grief and confusion. Now that she knew he was alive, what? He severed the link. Thor felt it himself. Or was it her? She was the one who removed the bindrune. Can she blame him? Did she want to blame him? Did she want the link back? She wished Jane was there. She wished she had told her from the start.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After she calmed down that day, Erik sat with her. She told him what she could remember. As jagged and disjointed as it was, she told him all about the link and Loki. she thought it would be better to spare him, but who else would understand her?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gave her another silent hug and they stayed silent for a while. And it was never uncomfortable.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Like everything else with the link and with loki, as foreign as it was, it lingered. A small part of it that she did not notice at first stayed. It was miniscule when compared with the avalanche of grief that kickstarted it , so it took a while for her to notice its presence. It  Became a part of her. She mourned Frigga. She mourned a mother and a childhood. And she was angry. Because she was not supposed to! And Frigga was not supposed to die! </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she calmed down and the worst of it passed, she noticed that the link was not completely severed like the last time. A part of it stayed, like a window to another life. She was almost sure that he was not aware, and she did not want to change that. Let him stay ignorant. She did not fully understand how it worked or what triggered it, but sometimes she’d have memories that were not her own. Or at the very least, the impression of the memory stayed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘You are my son’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘What more than that?’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Am I cursed?’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘What am I’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I am the monster parents tell their children about at night.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I am not your brother’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I never wanted the throne. I only ever wanted to be your equal!’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘The lost prince of Asgard’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘You were knee deep in Jotun blood’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Another stolen relic’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘TELL ME!’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Did you mourn?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Our father-’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘YOUR father’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘He’s not my father!’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Then am I not your mother?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘No.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>‘You will have your war, Asgadian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice, where he cannot find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something sweet as pain.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She actually woke up crying when she was hit by the last threat. She has dreaded it for a long time, it has haunted her for long enough, but when heard in its entirety, she couldn’t shake it off. Couldn’t rid herself of the fear and dread. Of the desperation. Of the despair. The anxiety and the terror.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Trust my rage’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And she believed that promise with all her being. Because if there was anything she knew she could count on, it was the rage she felt. Not the hatred, not the regret, not the fear. His rage. Her rage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘You had her tricks, but I had her trust!’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Trust? Was that her last expression, trust? While you let her die?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘What good were you in your cell?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Who put me there? WHO PUT ME THERE?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHO! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL!’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>'I wish I could trust you.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Trust my rage.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tried to control it, without letting it slip away from her. Erik gave Ian something to do so he would not bother her, and she honestly forgot all about him. All about Jane and Thor too. But when she came to her senses, she feared for her friend. If whoever was the reason for all that could kill the queen herself, what was protecting Jane? Surely Thor had tried to help his mother too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She told Erik, and he shared the same misgivings as her. Her own worry was warring with everything else, she barely slept in the days that followed. But when she was so tired, she’d be lost in thought, somewhere between asleep and awake. That’s when the link was the most open. And she did not know if what she felt at the time was what he felt as well, or if it was old like the time she heard Frigga’s words when she knew she was already dead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She did not know what came over her, but one time she was alone in the balcony, and just like everywhere else, pens and notebooks and charts were everywhere as Jane was getting closer in her research. She took the pen in her hand. Not a pencil. Not careful. Not cautious. She wanted to scream at him. To tell him everything she felt. To make him stop. To carve everything on his skin. She couldn't take it anymore. She wanted him to sever the link again. She knew it would hurt her and not give her the closure she seeked so avidly before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But did she really wand any more explanations?  He was a monster. She saw enough of him herself to come to that conclusion years ago. Before the link. Before New York.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Loki, this is madness!’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘Is it madness? Is it? IS IT? I don't know what happened on </span>
  <a href="https://marvelcinematicuniverse.fandom.com/wiki/Earth">
    <span>Earth</span>
  </a>
  <span> to make you so soft! Don't tell me it was that </span>
  <a href="https://marvelcinematicuniverse.fandom.com/wiki/Jane_Foster">
    <span>woman</span>
  </a>
  <span>?... Oh, it was. Well, when we're done here, maybe I'll pay her a visit myself!’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>A monster.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The pen was pressed to her arm. She knew the bindrune by heart now. A long vertical line. Two close X’s crossing it. Not that hard. Not that complicated. A few lines and he’d know. A few lines and he’d maybe sever the link once more. Or maybe he’d realise she was still there. Still looking for him. And he’d fix it. A few lines and he’d do something about her. Either end her suffering with him, or she’d suffer more. Wasn’t it enough that he already lost Frigga? And she lost her too, in a sense. Not just his loss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And she had Jane to worry about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sobbed quietly, alone in the balcony, as she watched the tip of the pen make a dot on her arm. The ink leaked and the dot grew.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She came to her senses fairly quickly. She threw the pen as far as her arm could throw as she wiped her tears. She scrubbed furiously at the dot, praying that he wouldn’t notice. She did not want him to know. Did not want to be tainted by that ever again. She did not want any of this to happen to begin with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘You will spend the rest of your days in the Dungeons.’</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Have you come to gloat? To mock?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Loki, enough. No more illusions.’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Now you see me, brother. Did she suffer?’</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>‘What makes you think you can trust me?’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘I don’t. She did.’</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Trust my rage’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A part of her was awake again. Or the link. It was getting harder and harder to distinguish now. But she felt a sort of exhilaration. Of  superiority. Of having the higher ground. Loki was thriving in his task, whatever it was. Thor recruited him for something and he was ecstatic. He was planning and scheming. He was about to get his revenge for Frigga. He was in his element.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was always on the edge. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. She gave up on ever trying to reach out to him. She will never tell. He will never know that it was still there if she had anything to do about it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It all happened quickly. His plan was falling apart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘See you in Hel, monster.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I’m a fool. I’m a fool. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything hurt once more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wished she had done something.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Told him that the link was still there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Anything was better than this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Him severing the link would have been better. Him talking to her would have been better. She had the opportunity to do something, and she did not. She had the chance to take control of how it went, but she didn’t.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t screaming this time. Just a single silent tear as she stood where she was, pouring coffee for herself and Erik that morning.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I’m a fool. I’m a fool’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She finished pouring, and added sugar to her own cup.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She took both mugs and went in search of Erik.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I’ll tell father what you did here today’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At least he was not alone. At least he had his brother with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She found Erik at last.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I didn’t do it for him’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thor and Jane showed up all of a sudden. They were looking for the center of the convergence. Loki’s sacrifice only bought them more time, but the elves were still coming.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They found where they needed to be, and they all headed there haphazardly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was chaos befitting Loki himself. Portals everywhere. Dark little creatures coming and going and Thor chasing after them one by one. She was given a task to do and she did it mindlessly, not really knowing or giving any attention to what was happening. She was lost. She felt like this battleground was a tribute to him in some way. She tried to say goodbye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>===</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The chaos ended. The battle was over. Ian the intern was back. Everything looked normal. But she was far from feeling normal. He did not trick her like last time. He did not do anything to the link. He was dead. Killed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘See you i Hel. monster’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wasn’t she the one who said he was a monster? Why was she grieving him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thor found her some time later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He kept looking at her from the corner of his eyes, and she honestly did not care. But  Loki died in his arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lost a brother. She was conflicted, because as she saw Thor being a brother to Loki, she also saw him being among the gods who punished him. On several occasions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘She wouldn’t want to see us fight’</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Well, she wouldn’t be surprised’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She decided that she will talk to him. She finally approached him and he stood to greet her. Another much needed hug. She said nothing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Something changed.” he told her knowingly. Gently. Surprisingly gently.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am sorry for your loss.” she did not know where else to start.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Me too.” he replied.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked at him and he did not add anything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can feel it, huh?” she decided to ask. Too little too late, but still curious.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Something is different. It feels more potent this time. I thought it was broken, last time. I am sorry if i confused you further.” he said earnestly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And how is it now?” she asked calmly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took a deep breath as he looked at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s there, but it’s gone. Like it’s absence was not as real last time. Only a spark remains. Tiny. Mournful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, That’s Loki for you.” she did not know what made her say that. But she felt that he had a right to know. Wasn’t he the one who jokingly called her sister?</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As always, feedback is appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Had this little thing lying around in my drafts. I tried to post a longer chapter, but it just couldn't get done. So here is it, until I can get the next one ready.<br/>I hope you enjoy it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She found that she did not regret it. Not as much as she thought she would. He was his brother, after all. He was dead, after all. It was over, after all.</p><p> </p><p>Silence. He looked at her with sad eyes. And she really did not want to cry. She inhaled deeply and started talking again, if only to break the silence.</p><p> </p><p>“He really loved her.” she said. They both did not need to ask who she meant. </p><p> </p><p>Thor opened his mouth to say something, closed it again and continued staring at her.</p><p> </p><p>“He-.” he started. “Darcy, I-”</p><p> </p><p>She said nothing. </p><p> </p><p>He finally settled on “I am sorry.” and what hurt her more than the apology itself, was the fact that it was sincere.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry he died or sorry that he was the one who shared my link?” she said, dreading the answer she already knew was coming.</p><p> </p><p>“For you, the latter. I am sorry you had to suffer that.” he said, and the pity was obvious this time, all the more hurting.</p><p> </p><p>“Then don’t be. I don’t need your pity. Not after everything I know. Everything I felt. Not from you.” she said, with a bit of steel in her voice, but she did not care. She liked Thor, but no matter what, he could very well haunt her nightmares for what he did to his brother. Her soulmate. It did not matter if she accepted the link or not. It did not matter if he was dead or not. There was a part of her that will always want to stay far away from him for what he did.</p><p> </p><p>He looked heartbroken at her rejection.</p><p>“Why do you say that?”</p><p> </p><p>She only looked at him, too tired to say anything, but her face said it all. He nodded silently to himself as he lowered his head.</p><p> </p><p>It was her chance to ask, finally. She was owed that, at least. She did not know if she'd ever have another chance. Closure, once again. Was the universe mocking her? </p><p> </p><p>“What happened, Thor? After New Mexico?” she finally asked the question. It was about that time when she first started feeling unwell. Before she realized what was happening. The first of many times the link was more than she could bear.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“I mean, you returned to Asgard to deal with him. His condition was that you surrender to him. And then he threatened you that he’d visit Jane. what happened then?”</p><p> </p><p>He sat straighter and looked at her, calculating. “How do you know that?”</p><p> </p><p>“What happened?” she said, in the same flat tone she did not seem to be able to change. She did not owe him any explanations. He did.</p><p> </p><p>He took a moment or two before he finally decided on answering the question.</p><p> </p><p>“He fell.” he said regrettably. </p><p> </p><p>And she answered instinctively, like she had always known the truth of it. Like she was there. Like she inherently already knew.</p><p> </p><p>“He let go.”</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>‘I could have done it, father! I could have done it. For you. For all of us!’</p><p> </p><p>‘No, Loki.’</p><p> </p><p>‘No, Loki’</p><p> </p><p>‘No, Loki’</p><p> </p><p>‘No, Loki’</p><p> </p><p>‘No, Loki’’</p><p> </p><p>“LOKI NOOOOO!”</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>It was not new memories. It was memories that already haunted her. Memories that she did not have the time to sort through or think about. But she remembered them all, perfectly.</p><p> </p><p>“He let go of Gungnir. He let go of you. He let go of Odin”</p><p> </p><p>“No.” he whispered to himself. Regret more than disbelief. And silent tears. Dejection. </p><p> </p><p>“I don't owe you this. And neither does he. But the invasion was not his doing.”</p><p> </p><p>It was like she spent the past couple of years trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, and only just now seeing it clearly for the first time. And her guts twisted and her heart ached with every new piece she uncovered.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“He was captured. He thought he could survive. That he could trick his captors. But they were more powerful than him. Crueler than him. Patient. They controlled him.”</p><p> </p><p>“That can’t be!”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t need you to believe me. I don’t care if you believe me. But you owe it to me to listen to what I have to say.” she said, determined. “Did you know that they sewed his mouth shut at one point?” she asked in a numb voice. “Like you did to him? And every other punishment, they were very meticulous.” and she started crying then. Because it did not matter how she knew, because she lived them. She lived those nightmares. She lived those hurts.</p><p> </p><p>“Darcy, I-- The link?” he finally began to understand. She couldn’t find her voice. She did not care that she was openly crying in front of him but as he neared her, probably to offer a comforting hug, she found herself unable to accept it. She jumped from her seat and threw up. Luckily, there was a small trash can and she did not throw up on the floor.</p><p> </p><p>Thor was frozen where he was, his face warped in sadness and dejection. She found napkins lying around from one of the many times they ordered takeout, and wiped her mouth with it, too tired to do anything.</p><p> </p><p>“That was a long time ago.” he said, staring at nothing in particular. “And something that I regret deeply. He was my brother. But my father is King. It was his decree that-”</p><p> </p><p>She gathered herself quickly, thankful that he stayed where he was.</p><p> </p><p>“Odin Borson was no father to him, Odinson. Not his king. Loki Laufeyson was the prince of Jotunheim. And he took that away from him. Who he is, what he was and where he should have been.” and she did not know why she said this, but she wanted him to know how hurt he was. <br/>“And you are not his brother.”</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>Did you mourn?</p><p>Our father-</p><p>Your father!</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>“I regret many things, but that is not something I had any part in”</p><p> </p><p>“This is not about you. It’s about him.”</p><p> </p><p>“And you.” he added.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s over.”</p><p> </p><p>“Come with me. After everything, you deserve to attend his-”</p><p> </p><p>“The Realm Eternal has nothing to offer me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Please, Darcy.”</p><p> </p><p>“I am sorry, Thor. For everything. But I can't.”</p><p> </p><p> She steeled herself and walked the few steps between them. He stood where he was, waiting for her to take the lead.</p><p> </p><p>And as she hugged him, she found a piece of the comfort she needed.</p><p> </p><p>And she did owe him one thing, at least.</p><p> </p><p>“He did not do it for Odin. He did it for you.” she whispered in his ear. He patted her back gently and stood back up to his full height, as imposing and impressive as ever.</p><p> </p><p>“You are always welcome in the house of Odin, Sister” he said as he gave her a little bow. “Call for Heimdall should you ever find the need to.” he said and she nodded to him.</p><p> </p><p>“There is one last thing”</p><p> </p><p>“Anything.”</p><p> </p><p>“I just want to understand something. Where did he go after he let go? Why did I only start to feel the link then? Shouldn't it have always been there?”</p><p> </p><p>“He was always the only one who could navigate between the realms. He could have gone anywhere. But there are theories.”</p><p> </p><p>“Theories?”</p><p> </p><p>“He fell from the Bifrost. Between realms.”</p><p> </p><p>“The world tree?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yggdrasil.” he concurred . “I think that his presence echoed through the tree. It is a far reaching abyss beneath the Bifrost. He had not visited Midgard after you were born. And he was not on Midgard during what happened in New Mexico. But Yggdrasil is everywhere."</p><p> </p><p>===</p><p> </p><p>Thor was long gone when Jane found her alone in the balcony, once again holding a pen and contemplating something that was now futile. </p><p> </p><p>Her mind kept going in circles. </p><p> </p><p>Echoed through the realms. </p><p> </p><p>Far reaching abyss. </p><p> </p><p>They said they'll find you. </p><p> </p><p>Hide. </p><p> </p><p>I figured it out. For you. </p><p> </p><p>I am trying to spare you. </p><p> </p><p>It's the bindrume for protection.</p><p> </p><p>No, Loki. </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let me know what you think of this little chapter.<br/>thank you</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Feedback is appreciated</p></blockquote></div></div>
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